[This is a Repost of Steve Kozar’s piratechristian.com satire of 9/14/2016]
Want to stay comfortable in your (theologically shallow & Biblically illiterate) Christian beliefs? Even if those beliefs are not really based on God’s Word?? Of course you do! Here’s a guide that will keep you in the dark, and will help you to avoid the bothersome content of whichever discernment bloggers are currently bugging you:
- Start with this assumption: There aren’t any false teachers. With this handy starting point everything else falls comfortably into place. Just tell yourself that people who proclaim a different Gospel are just… different. It’s like the difference between hotdogs and hamburgers. If there are no false teachers, then it logically follows that all discernment bloggers are wrong. Now you won’t have to consider what they say!
- Go with the group. If the majority agrees with you, you must be right. Remember, Jesus wants you to follow the most popular teachers, even when they twist the Bible. Discernment bloggers are not popular, so they must be wrong. Now you won’t have to consider what they say!
- Lump them all together. It’s true: some discernment bloggers are too extreme and exaggerate too much, or they go off on some crazy bunny trails; therefore you can ignore everything that every discernment blogger says (see points 1 & 2).
- They are mean and angry, therefore, they are wrong. If you think they’re mean and angry… well, that means they are mean and angry. Now you won’t have to consider what they say!
- Criticize their criticism. Discernment bloggers are not speaking in love when they call out false teachings and teachers, therefore you can ignore the actual content of what they say. Once you understand this you can freely criticize them, because it’s not unloving when you and your group does it.
- Say something like this: “The Holy Spirit leads me-I don’t need all this theological stuff.” Remember, the Holy Spirit leads us, but He does it by using God’s Word. So if you want to remain clueless, just focus on the thoughts that pop into your head, and avoid the Bible (and it’s theology) at all costs. If you do decide to read your Bible, make sure to avoid the actual meaning of passages, which can be determined by simply understanding the context. Instead, use your Bible like a divining rod or a crystal ball, that way the Bible will always agree with you and your ideas!
- Give them a label. This is a great thought-stopper. Label all discernment bloggers with a generic and meaningless label so you can comfortably ignore them.
Examples: (A) “He’s into those Christian conspiracy theories, it’s really sad.” (Never define “Christian conspiracy theory;” thus people can be grouped together with Bigfoot hunters and UFO hobbyists.) (B) “He’s one of those judgmental, Bible-thumping Christians now. He’s a religious Pharisee; he’s always quoting Bible verses.” (Hint: never define “judgmental” or “Bible-thumping” or “religious Pharisee.” (C)“Ever since she’s been reading those discernment articles she’s gotten too negative. God’s in control, right? Why worry so much?!” (Hint: if you ever realized how brain-dead the church has become, you’d be “negative” for a while, too. So keep ignoring all the proof that surrounds you, and stay away from your Bible which repeatedly warns you to watch out for false doctrine!)
The original article is here: http://www.piratechristian.com/messedupchurch/2016/9/how-to-ignore-discernment-bloggers-and-stay-comfortable-clueless